You know those women that go crazy whenever they see babies and would start smelling them, pleading the mom to carry the baby and just won’t let the baby alone? Well guess what, that was not me.

While I did dream of having kids of my own, I was just not baby crazy. So when friends became parents, they kind of just went to another bucket of friends. The “oh-she/he-is-a-parent-now-different-world-which-is-hard-to-understand” bucket.

I married and had a child much later than average (I like breaking records in my family), so I have seen many friends transform to parents before my eyes over the years.

In retrospect, I wish I had been more baby friendly. I wish I had been a better friend.

Being a mom for almost five months now, I realized how much I value my friends and need their friendship even more to keep me sane and happy (but really more to keep me from going crazy).

If you have a friend who recently became a mom, whether you are a mom yourself or not, here are 10 ways on how you can be the friend that she needs right now:

1. Respect her privacy

Becoming a mother, becoming parents, becoming a family, are all major milestones brought about by the birth of your friend’s first child.

Milestones that welcome your friend with a mix of joy, exhaustion, overwhelm, confusion, fear, pain, gratitude….should I go on?

In summary, it is a LOT to take in.

I’m sure you are excited and would like to see their new bundle of joy but please, ask your friend first when it is convenient to pay them a visit.

And if her answer is not what you expected, i.e. not a blanket “Anytime!” or “Whenever you like!”, and actually provided a rather specific schedule and maybe later than you wanted, DO NOT be offended. DO NOT get upset. DO NOT make drama. DO NOT make this about you. Trust me, it’s NOT about you, and will never be about you. It’s definitely about her, about her baby, about her new family.

Remember, you did ask when it’s convenient. So whatever her reply may be, just respect that.

When I gave birth, I made a conscious decision to only have family and close friends visit us in the hospital 3 days after delivery, and the rest only after a week of arriving at home. For family and friends living overseas, I told them that it’s alright to visit only after 2 months. This setup worked very well for us…ALMOST.

I had a C section delivery and decided to breastfeed. To the moms who had the same, you can probably relate. The first few days after delivery are the hardest. First, you are in pain from the surgery; second, you begin the routine of sleep deprivation; and third, you are introduced to breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is a beautiful experience. It’s just that it comes with a number of potential issues resulting in physical pain (i.e. pain of actual feeding, breast engorgement, cracking of nipples, mastitis) and anxiety (i.e. will I have enough milk, can my baby latch, is my baby feeding well).

I mentioned that the setup of accepting visitors on day 3 almost worked very well for us. Why almost? Because I experienced my first meltdown on day 3 while still in the hospital. On that day, I was told that my daughter’s weight gain was slower than expected. On that same day, my daughter could not latch or just refused to feed for the whole morning. On that same day, a rather rude midwife was on duty and I felt that she was manhandling my baby while forcing her to feed. I was so worried, upset, angry and tired all at the same time. When my husband arrived, tears started falling down my face uncontrollably. And it went on until my bestfriend arrived for a visit. At the time, I could not explain why I was crying uncontrollably. I did not like the fact that someone witnessed my meltdown but I’m glad it was my husband and best friend who saw me in that state.

On accepting visitors at home, I think we also made a good call. The first week with a newborn baby at home is very precious. It’s nice to just be with our new family and not worry about who is coming to visit. It’s also a big time for adjustment as me and my hubby learn to take care of our little one.

On friends (and family) based overseas, visiting only after 2-3 months is ideal in my view, especially if the sole purpose of travel is really to visit us. It’s very touching when friends and family come all the way to visit, that it would be a shame if we cannot even spend quality time with them. To put things in perspective, it is difficult to have quality time with other people during the first month with a newborn when the mother is still healing from surgery and still adjusting to motherhood and family life. It may be hard for some friends and family to understand but then again, just respect the new mom’s wishes and always remember: it’s not you, it’s them.

2. Pay a visit but don’t be a guest

Visits are nice. It’s good to know that friends genuinely care that they would bother to check-in to see how the baby and new parents are doing.

Depending on what kind of host your new mom friend is, I personally enjoyed and was very grateful that family and friends that paid us a visit were low maintenance.

Actually, I made it very clear to visiting family and friends during the first month that we only have one rule: No food, no entry. It’s very practical really. And if you are a true friend, I’m sure you would not mind and would understand that worrying about what to serve guests should be the least priority of two overwhelmed and sleep deprived new parents.

I had friends bring cooked meals, some who overtook our kitchen to cook us a meal, and some who brought food that I was craving for at the time (KFC!). I was very open to them doing that and would just give guidance on where to find stuff in our flat. It was very relaxed and more enjoyable.

So please, visit your new mom friend. Make it clear that they need not prepare anything and ask what they would like you to bring. She would love to see you and have some food not cooked by her husband. I’m kidding, I like my husband’s cooking. He’s the best!

3. Be patient and accept that mommy brain is real

I did not believe in mommy brain until it happened to me…not once, not twice, but a number of times! Some examples:

  • Getting on the wrong tram despite the fact that I’m super expert level when it comes to taking public transport;
  • Forgetting where the light switches were in our flat, where we have been living for 5 years now;
  • Taking about 3 tries to send an email (1st try I forgot to add the “.com” in the email address, 2nd try I missed the first letter of the email address);
  • Getting confused with days of the week (I sent an email to my boss which started with “I hope you had a good weekend” only to realize it was Friday); and
  • Worn ankle boots with zips undone on a night out and only realized when I was about to take them off when I got home. No wonder my feet were feeling a little cold when I was outdoors!

See what I mean?

Please be patient with you new mom friend and kindly tolerate what may seem like strange incidents or if she does not seem like her usual sharp self.

I guess since it’s very challenging to be a new mom, mommy brain is needed to add a bit of humor to our lives!

4. Ask how she is doing every now and then

My mobile phone is my key to the outside world. It’s really heartwarming to receive calls and messages coming from friends near and far asking how we are doing.

Check in on your new mom friend every now and then. It’s thoughtful and very nice to know that someone cares about her as a person and as a woman, and not as a food source (no offense, baby).

5. Take it easy on giving advice

If your new mom friend DID NOT ask you for any advice and your sentence starts with:

“With my baby, what I did was….”

“You should (write unsolicited advice)…”

“With X’s baby, what she did was…”

Just SHUT IT.  I know it’s easier said than done, but just try.

If you’re a mom yourself, you have been there. You know what it’s like to receive unsolicited advice.

And if you’re not a mom, even more so that you should refrain from giving unsolicited advice.

Mom or not, know that a) you probably have no idea what information your new mom friend knows or has done so far, and b) every baby is different so your advice may not necessarily be applicable to her situation.

If something endangers the safety of your new mom friend and her newborn, then please do intervene.

If your new mom friend asks for advice, then fire away. That would really be much appreciated.

6. Go out together WITH the baby

It’s very considerate if you invite for a meet up with your new mom friend with the baby. This is because your friend can be more spontaneous- no need fo coordinate on who will look after the baby, and it’s nice for the new mom not to be alone when out with her little one.

The first few weeks can be daunting just to get out of the house. You think about if you packed everything that you need for the baby, you worry if you can actually push the pram and take it on public transport, you feel scared that you didn’t dress your newborn adequately for the weather.

Just your presence is already a big help to calm the new mom’s nerves. You’re doing her a favor by encouraging her to go out more and to get used to how it’s like to be with the baby in public.

7. Go out together WITHOUT the baby

Your new mom friend needs a break to keep her sanity and her sense of self, it’s good for her well-being.

It can be as simple as meeting for coffee, going to the cinema, trying out a new restaurant, doing fitness together, or as grand as dressing up for a big girls’ night out or going for a spa pamper day.

As a new mom, after long hours of baby care and number of days of unwashed hair and whatnot, going out is such a treat. Not just being out but even the preparation before going out. Just the thought of having an uninterrupted shower, drying my hair, putting on makeup and dressing up makes me feel like I have taken back control of myself. And once out, it’s nice to catch up with friends and talk about other things in addition to motherhood and the baby, or do activities that is just for myself.

I’ve read sayings of which the main message is, “think of your child first”. But hey, how can a mom care for her child if she is going nuts? That can be dangerous, don’t you think? It’s important to look after one’s self so you can take care of another.

Be that friend who cares for your friend’s well-being. Insist that she goes out without her baby and spend some leisure time.

8. Babysit (if you’re capable)

Volunteer to look after the baby so your new mom friend can have some me time or date night with her hubby.

Nothing can be more reassuring to the new parents than knowing that their baby is being looked after by a dear friend.

Do this only if you are capable of babysitting.

If you want to help but don’t really know how to babysit, you can maybe shadow your friend a number of times first until you get comfortable with taking care of their baby.

9. Listen and don’t judge

New moms have a lot of questions, doubts, frustration, fears and most of all…baby stories!

Just lend your ears, don’t judge and be present. That’s what friends are for after all.

10. Don’t get tired of the baby photos and videos

Lastly, there will be loads of photos and videos of the little one. Don’t get tired of them. Think of it as a blessing that your new mom friend shares and celebrates the milestones with you. Hopefully it’s cuteness overload!

In summary, your friend is still your friend just now with greater responsibilities. She needs you more than ever so don’t let this moment pass by for you play a key role in her life as she transitions to motherhood.